Diagnosis

So it has been determined that I have BPD, which I knew already, but also agoraphobia and general anxiety disorder.  So I’m not quite sure what I think about this. It sounds like like I’m a hermit crazy person now. Yay!!! He thinks Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is the best treatment for me. Which I kinda figured out already.  He is also going to send me some stuff an email for things I can read. I have read I hate you, Don’t Leave me. I found it interesting and definitely applies to me.  He said some people find it judgmental, but I guess I’m used to being judged, so I didn’t notice that.

I spent too much money on the weekend, and that is causing lots of stress right now. I can’t wait to find my own place soon because things are becoming so difficult to handle here.  Of course I’m the issue too. Ugh I hate my life.

BPD Symptoms

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority(or all but 1 for me) of the following symptoms:

* Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment CHECK I ALWAYS NEED TO BE WITH THE PERSON, I ALSO THINK IF WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SOMEONE CLOSE TO ME DIED
* A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation CHECK
* Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self CHECK
* Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) DEF CHECK IN MORE THAN 2
* Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior CHECK IN THE SUICIDAL AREA
* Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) CHECK DEF VERY MOODY
* Chronic feelings of emptiness CHECK ALL THE TIME
* Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) CHECK DEF MORE SO NOW
* Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms I’M NOT QUITE SURE IF I UNDERSTAND THIS CORRECTLY, BUT I DON’T THINK I HAVE THIS.

Well I’m seeing a therapist on Mon to tell me that I have BPD for $240, which I already know. Now that’s money well spent, (this is from someone who spends money or frivolous things, ha ha)

The ex and online dating, and getting away

Well I thought we could have been friends, but I just got so mad today. I found out some of the stuff he said to me when we first spoke was an over exaggeration. I guess it was said to see what my reaction would be. It seems so childish to me. I just think it wasn’t necessary. Also it was thrown in my face that his fuck buddie, or gf or whatever he calls her, is sooo perfect now because they don’t have to spend 24/7 with each other. Well whoopee ding dong, good on you for finding someone who doesn’t have a fucking disorder. If she is so fucking awesome then why can’t you stop thinking about me, get over it and throw out my letters saying that I’ll love you forever, and you’re the only one for me. Dump the memories drawer. I did tell him that I was borderline, but I guess I wouldn’t expect him to know what all that entails. I told him where to find this, and I’m not sure if he’ll look at it or not, but I kinda wish I didn’t tell him about it. But if you are reading this, then look up some info on it. It might enlighten you as to what I’m going through.

There you Go- Pink would be a good song right now, Or Just like a Pill

Ah that’s better.

So the online dating thing. It’s alright. I think there are few needles in the haystack out there. There are a lot of losers too. Guys who can’t read and just looking for a fuck “ride”

I really need to get away from this shit. I just want to get out and have some fun. Whistler, here I come.

online dating

Do you think anyone really finds their soulmate on here?

I found like my perfect match, but is it for real? I’m thinking it prob like some fat geek with glasses on the other side of the computer. lol. Who knows I prob blew it anyways. He thinks I’m psycho already, ha ha. He’s prob right. Ugh, this sucks.

If you have a great online story then let me know.

Surgery

I’m going in on the 22. Today I have to go to the hospital for bloodwork and to go though the procedure, etc. I hate needles. I’ve never had any surgery before and I have never been put under, thinking about it is making me nauseous.  oh well hope for the best right, yeah right….

Searching for the right place

This is fucking frustrating to say the least. I found the perfect place and I could have it with no pets. I have to take my cat and would still like to my chi, but it’s not totally necessary. So I’m still looking. I hate moving and under the circumstances it already is stressful.

follow up to the ex

So I did end meeting up with bf A. I don’t know why I was obsessed. Maybe it be better know. I know what he is now, still a nobody. So nothing happened with him. Now I can move on. Maybe we can be friends.

wow

SO I was on th computer and I got a message that I had a message on facebook. It ends up being my ex-bf A. I haven’t talked to him in like 8 years or something like that. He wants to see me. I don’t know, it was like all a dream. I asked him if he was still in love with me and he said he must be because he can’t forget about me. I’m not quite sure what to do with this. I want to get moved out. I told him I was totally not ready for anything like this. I told him I had depression and BPD. It didn’t deter him. I said I was still selfish and that I didn’t know if I was capable of loving anyone except for myself, still wanted to meet.

I really need to find who I am. It’s nice to be desired, but I can’t let this go to my head.

Friday

So it’s Friday. I’m supposed to go to my reg doc today. I should get out of bed, it’s easy to stay in bed and let the day pass by.

I’m going to be looking at 2 places to rent. I’m not sure how this is going to work financially, but oh well. I’ve been told it’s going to.

Talked to E for a little bit. I think he just wants me for the sex though. Or the fact that he might be able to have sex with me.

Also talked to another friend today for a bit. It’s nice to know that she is there to talk to.

That’s it for now.

Background

If you are interested in my life and what it was like for me growing up, check my About Me